Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
