I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
