I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
