No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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