I am in a vortex of obligation.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
