Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize