Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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