i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Damn victory sex feels great
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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