well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
