It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
