I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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