why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
