I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
