so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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