why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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