brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize