If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm too high and old for this...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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