You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
