I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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