He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
