Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
