Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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