biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dear god my vagina.
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