An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
