You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
