I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
