i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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