Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
