So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
