true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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