Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
