Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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