new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
