Your face is a jimmy john
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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