he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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