Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Barsexuality is the new black.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
