proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
