I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
