this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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