Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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