U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
