I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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