he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
