you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize