Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
