I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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