i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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