I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
