Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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