I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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