I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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