I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
