I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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