I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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