you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize