Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
