THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
