Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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