I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
