it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
