oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
