OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
