you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im six kinds of drunk right now
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
