i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
