my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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