I hate your face
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
