Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
