Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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