I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
